With the approaching of my birthday, I've been pondering my life and the direction it's headed in. Pretty much happy with where I'm at right now, but do wish that it could/would get better.

Although I was unable to give myself the 2 birthday presents that I wanted this year - a TRIP to VEGAS (and) to celebrate MY DIVORCE - it's all good. I am now working towards both of those "gifts", just because, for a later date.

I've now come to realize that alot of what I've been through, especially over the past 12 months, has colored/shaped my perception, my outlook, on a variety of things:

• my life and life in general;
• love - in general; and
• men

It shocked me, when while talking to my best friend the other day, I admitted that I've essentially become a recluse. WHAT? I'm 35-years-young! I'm still VIBRANT! Still ACTIVE - to an extent. I've found myself not venturing, nor having the desire to venture out, especially during the light of day, not even for a gallon of milk.

I've even found a way to obtain gainful employemnt to ensure that my household is taken care of (I'm a single parent), from home to ensure that my interaction with others is limited.

Sad reality isn't it?

Meeting men, although a wonderful past time, has taken a back seat in my life. It just seems to be too complicated and too cumbersome for me. For example, I went out last night to celebrate an associates birthday, and was looking FIERCE (yes, I'm giving myself props!). The men outnumbered the women - as is the case here in Washington, DC, but I saw eyes, glances on a few occasions. I was even approached, several times, to dance, converse, etc. But, for some reason, I just wasn't feeling "it".

It used to be that you'd find me on the dancefloor, from the moment I walked through the door. I think I danced a total of one (1) hour (and we were there from 11pm - 3am) and I was asked several times. I wonder what's wrong with me? Due to my spirituality (I don't do "religion"!), I refuse to "claim" depression over my life, but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...what is it???

I look at the fact that my phone rings, constantly, with offers for dates and I've turned more than my fair share down. Although I get bored from time-to-time, sitting in my home, the very thought of having to get up, get dressed and interact with men (or another human being for that matter), is daunting.

Friends call and ask me what's going on. Why is it that I haven't reached out? Called? Emailed? My excuse is always the same - "I've been busy". They all seem to accept that response as the status quo, but truly, how "busy" can one person be? So I know that I'm fooling no one but myself.

I feel like I'm living a lie. Saying that I want this VIBRANT life, but not really wanting to. Wanting to be "out and about", but again, not really wanting to. Wanting to interact with other, like-minded individuals, but - NOT WANTING TO.

What is wrong with me?

BlackRefer.com

Why A Blog?

How do I answer that question? To be honest, who knows. Maybe I've decided to start blogging because it seems so "popular"? Maybe it's due, in part, to the anonymity that blogging allows me? The freedom that comes with being able to fully and freely express my thoughts about life, my life mostly, but also just LIFE in general.

Here, I have no worries about those who know me, judging me.

Maybe, this is, in a small way, my way of reliving my childhood attempts at writing a diary? You see, I didn't have that freedom as a child. My mother gave me a diary as a "tween" (that's what 10-13 year-olds are called now-a-days, right?), and made a big deal out of letting everyone know that she gave it to me, so that I could express myself. What she neglected to let everyone know is that she had every intention of seeing how I expressed myself and what I wrote. She made it her business to not only randomly search for and read my diary, but then confont me about what she read after she demanded that I give it to her and I refused. I swear, as big as that house was, you'd think she' had better things to do then search for and find my damn diary. I went from blacking out what I didn't want her to read, to writing things in there, just to piss her off (those were funny, until she read them, then all hell broke loose!) After a while, I got tired and bored with writing and not being able to go back and re-read what I wrote, so I stopped. Hell, what was the point?

So, now that I'm 35 and I've had an opportunity to look back on my life and see that I've basically fucked up/wasted 20 good years, I've started to take a look at myself and the role that I played in what has happened. As one of the many in the US of A, who doesn't have insurance, I can't afford traditional therapy, and so, I'm using THIS medium as a way of 'getting it out'...of cleansing my mental, physical, and spiritual system.

Is this blog going to appeal to everyone? Nope, and I would hope it doesn't. I'm doing this not only for me, but other women, especially other 'sisters' as well. I know that I am not the ONLY one who has gone through some or all of the bullshit that I have and will be sharing. What I do know though, is that in the African-American community, it is 'taboo' to discuss some of the things that I'll be discussing. I am hoping that with my sharing this, even in my anonymity, that I'll help to continue to break-down those walls.

Most importanly, I also pray that I will be able to find my own healing by sharing. Maybe by writing this down, I can come back and take a look at my progress or failures (there will be some) and by doing so, it will help to motivate my progression.

Truly, I have no idea. Can't you tell? I just know that one of the gifts that I have been blessed with is the ability to express myself (and I wasn't an English major, so there will be spelling and grammar errors from time-to-time. I just pray that there are not so many, that the content of this blog will be overlooked), and so, I'm using that talent, before it's taken from me.

If you choose to comment on anything I share, that's fine. Just note, I am not here to be your 'bashing board'. I will not accept any post/comment that is overtly disrespectful. Posts that are full of thoughtful, respectful and helpful information, will be accepted and posted, for all to see. I am not here to defend myself or my life choices, but will accept respetful and constructive criticism, from anyone.

Also, I would love to hear from women, especially African-American/Black (the way in which you use to describe yourself is inmaterial to me) women, who may have experienced/been through some of the same things that I will share. Maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to learn from the mistakes that we've made (a popular radio DJ here in DC says "It takes a smart brother or sister to learn from his/her mistakes, but it takes a WISE brother or sister to learn from the mistakes made by others.") as well as help each other to obtain "Healing".

Here's to growth! Here's to life! Here's to HEALING!

- Ms. RT

BlackRefer.com